14. WE HAD CHILDREN AND THE CHILDREN HAD CHILDREN....

DODIE WITH HER PARENTS

DODIE AND BABY SHANNON

SHANNON AND PIPPI

Here are three generations of the same family.  Each of these parents had a tortured childhood of their own.  Parenting skills that are usually learned from being loved, nurtured, and supported by one's own parents were completely missing from my ability to be a mother to my two sons.

How do we resolve the situation without passing it on down even further?  By letting our children and also each other get to know us a people, not as labels.  To make the effort to understand and forgive as one human to another, acting with compassion.

I knew I was not fit to be a mother.  Fortunately, Jerry was eager to be the 'Mom' and take over all the parenting in our household.  He even proclaimed to everyone that he would have even "breastfed those babies if it had been humanly possible".  He and Christian had their problems, however, Chris today is the kind of father I wish I could have had.  He must have learned those skills somewhere other than by observing me.

Jason has also turned out to be a fine young man and I watch in amazement at how well each of them forms lasting loving relationships in life.  Same with Susan's children:  Brittany is fabulous with children.  And no one can doubt how Shannon cares about her boys.

TAKING OFF THE MASKS:

But do they really know US?  How much has each of us told our own children about our childhoods?  Have we made the effort to get them to know us as real people, not as idealistic figures on pedestals?  To what extent have we also made the effort to be a real friend to each family member?  I am shocked and saddened when I get feedback from family members about what a terrible person I am perceived to be.

Do family ties matter?  Is it worth it to pursue getting to know each other?  I am making the effort because I never had the opportunity to do so before.  Mario, my new husband, and best friend, is encouraging me to take down all the walls I had built over a lifetime to protect myself from pain.  In long emails between Shannon and me, I discovered I really missed out on knowing a delightful friend all these years.  I have finally come to understand Brittany, not as a grand-niece or as an ex-daughter-in-law, but as a fine young woman who has created a successful and meaningful life for herself.

Meanwhile, I will continue writing more posts to add to this history so that at least my own children will know who I am as a person.  I realize that none of the rest of you want to say anything.   I wanted to reach out to each of you while I am still alive to do so.  You have my email address and the open invitation to come visit me in Arizona.