13. THE DEMONS THAT TORMENT US

For many of us in this extended family, the common thread that runs through many of our family relationships is the suspicion that one or both of our parents really didn't want us, don't like us now, and will never be the loving parent we need.

This is what caused Dodie and I to cling to our own children, not only for the need to be with someone who really loves us but also our need to have someone we could trust enough to be able to love them.

The problem is that society gives each person a relationship label:  Mother, Father, Sister, Brother,
and so on.  And with the label, "Mother", comes a stereotype that is accepted as what is "motherly" behavior.  Same with each of the other labels.  Also, the expectations of the child labels:  Daughter translates into two sets of expectations:  what society considers to be appropriate behavior for a female child and what the parent wants from that child.  When those 'roles' are widely divergent, the child is faced with an impossible situation:  be what outsiders will approve of? or make Mama or Daddy happy?


We are taught from the beginning of consciousness that this is Mama and Daddy.  As we go to school and interact with other children, visit their homes on play dates, and observe a lot of adults in action (plus eavesdropping whenever possible), we absorb what is the role of the "Good Mama" or a "Bad Mama".  Then we view our own parents through that filter of expectations.  What we thought was our "Good Daddy" might be considered by outsiders to be a "Bad Monster".  Then how do we relate?  How do we maintain an appearance of normalcy to friends, neighbors, teachers, schoolmates, and other relatives?  And what happens to us inside when we must shed that role of normalcy the minute we get home to assume the persona that one or both parents want from us?

LEARNING TO SEE LIVE PEOPLE

Grandma taught me how easy it was to see dead people.  But she never taught me anything about seeing the live people who surrounded me every day as HUMANS.  This is the demon I am wrestling with by writing this blog:  to finally lay to rest the demons I faced in my life.   I had a mother who was never a 'mother' and a 'father' I learned to fear instead of love.  And I had a 'brother-in-law' I would shoot dead with my gun if he were still alive.    I never knew the full scope of what he had done to my sister and his children until he was long gone.  His name was

PAUL O'NEAL

The first time I heard that name was when Grandma called me one morning to tell me that "Lela May really screwed up this time.  She ignored Dorothy, left her on her own with no discipline, no love, no support, and so that child went out and got herself pregnant."  I was about to point out that no girl gets herself pregnant - there had to be a man in that picture somewhere.  But instead, I threw some clothes in a flight bag and took a taxi to La Guardia Airport and the first flight out to San Antonio.

As soon as I got there, I pinned Dodie down in Grandma's living room and told her to "pack a few things, we are going to an abortion clinic in the Caribbean that was run by doctors, totally safe, and very discreet".  I told her I would pay for everything, be with her every minute, and then take her to New York to live with me.  I think she was interested until I got to the part about moving to New York.  Then she panicked.  Her previous visit had overwhelmed her and she refused to go back.

And I refused to pay for an abortion if she was just going to get pregnant again as soon as she got home.  Paul O'Neal barged in about then and said, "We are getting married.  Lela May signed the consent form (Dodie was only 16 at that time), and you can't stop us."  Dodie was sobbing, O'Neal was ranting, Lela May was hiding from my wrath, Uncle Paul was mouthing off as usual, and Grandma wanted us all out of her house.

I said, "Okay, but we do this my way - no eloping to Seguin - I will find a Justice of the Peace, and I will buy Dodie a proper dress to wear and you find an apartment to rent because no way you are going to move in with Lela May."  I took Dodie down to the boutique shops on Houston Street and found a lovely white crepe Grecian style draped dress that looked lovely and hid the baby bump.  He found a squalid little one-room apartment furnished with Salvation Army rejects, and moved them in there.  At least they were there until I was safely out of sight on the plane back to New York.

CONOCO CARAVANING

Paul O'Neal immediately stole Lela May's purse, removed all the cash he could find, and took her Conoco gas credit card.  They took off out of town using the cash to pay for cheap motels and drive through food while they explored West Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona.  As soon as the money ran out,   Then Paul O'Neal came up with a stroke of inspiration:  he would pull into a Conoco gas station, fill up his car and then buy a full set of new tires on that credit card.  He would stash the tires in the trunk and then head into town to sell the tires for whatever money someone was willing to pay.

He did this repeatedly until the Conoco credit division woke up Lela May with a call asking her what in the hell was going on with that card.  Lela May got hysterical and went off the deep end, becoming irrational.  Grandma nearly had a heart attack but she managed to call me and tell me what had happened.  Uncle Paul stepped in and insisted a warrant be issued for O'Neal's arrest.  I said I thought it was interesting that none of them had given a damn about that girl's welfare until this happened and I didn't want to hear any more about it.

I think Dodie was too afraid of him by this point to try to stop him.  I heard plenty of stories from her over the years about the physical and verbal abuse that she had to live through. What a hideous honeymoon that must have been for a young girl who had envisioned a very different life as a wife and mother.

ON THE RUN

Sometime later, when Dodie finally got the courage to leave him after Susan was born, she came to my home in Belmont.  We took her in, of course, and I decided to take this on as a project to get her into shape to survive on her own.  We went closet shopping and I loaded her with clothes appropriate for job hunting in San Francisco.  Then we talked - and talked - and talked about what she had gone through.  I am not repeating all of the horror stories she related because I don't know if her children and grandchildren are ready to hear it, but from that time on I despised Paul O'Neal.

I helped her find an apartment in San Francisco with 3 other young women, on a share basis.  Dodie got a job at a local hotel doing clerical work.  She always had no problem getting jobs because that lovely personality would charm any interviewer.  And she was known for being a hard worker, totally reliable, and efficient.  Later on, the only reason she ever had to leave a job is when Paul O'Neal (who was obviously unemployable) would get bored sitting at home and would show up at her workplace wanting to hang out.  Dodie's employers would throw him off the premises and she would go with him.

Anyhow, the San Francisco experiment was going well until Paul O'Neal managed to track her down.  She escaped from her apartment and took a taxi to our home in Belmont.  He followed and he started banging on our front door, threatening to kick it in, and bellowing profanities for the entertainment of all our neighbors.  Jerry wanted to go out there and punch him out but Dodie said, "No, he will never let me go and he might do some real damage here.  I have to go back with him and try to sort out my life."

THE LONG SILENCE

After that, Paul O'Neal recognized that I was his enemy and the only word I got about them was rumors relayed to me by Grandma.  They moved around from one town to another, "always one jump ahead of the police", as Grandma told it.  Apparently, they would move to a place like Kingman, Arizona, Dodie would get a job to support them, and things would rock along until he got bored.  Then he got into mischief again.  At one point, he got a job working as an ambulance attendant and was fired for stealing from the people who were being transported in that ambulance.

I managed to contact Dodie and offer her a haven if she wanted to grab the children and make a run for it.  But she told me that on the way back from Belmont, as soon as they got to a motel he had beaten her severely, including kicking her in the stomach while she was down on the floor.  She said she wouldn't risk it again.  I gave up.  She was terrified and trying to make the best of a very bad situation and there was nothing anyone could do to intercede.

BLACK CHRISTMAS

After Paula was born, I heard from Dodie again.  She said they were back in San Antonio and in desperate shape.  She could get a job but she had to rely on him to take care of the children while she worked.  And she was very worried about leaving him to do that.  She said she was earning just enough to cover rent and put some food on the table but that Christmas was coming in a week and she had no money to buy presents for the children.  It made me sick to hear it.  I called Grandma and told her but neither she or Lela May were willing to give Dodie any money.  They said that Paul O'Neal would just take it from her and spend it on himself.  So I called Uncle Paul (Patton) and said I would send him $75. in an envelope in cash if he would take it to a toy store and get $25. in presents for each girl.

I pleaded with my uncle that he knew how Dodie and I had grown up and I wanted her children to know that I cared about them.  Paul did exactly that.  I still don't know what he bought, but he showed up on Dodie's doorstep with shopping bags full of little presents.

AND SO ON

The first time I met them again, in person, was when I went to San Antonio for Lela May's funeral in 1971.  I could continue telling my memories of Paul O'Neal and all the hideous things that Dodie told me, plus the horror stories from the childhood of those three children, but I do not know how much they know.  Or how much they are willing to let their own children know.  When I found out the whole story, it drove a wedge between Dodie and me that lasted until she died.  I could understand her fear of leaving him but I could not understand why she was willing to subject those children to being victimized by that monster.

It wasn't until after Dodie finally divorced him that I learned that he had been arrested, convicted, and sent to prison, not once but twice!  It must have started after Lela May and Grandma had died.  I know that Grandma would have been there with guns blazing if she had been alive and had known what was happening.  Poor Dodie must have felt totally alone at that point in time.  Everyone in the family was dead or gone (except for Paul Patton who would never have lifted a hand to help her).  I hurt inside just thinking about it now.

Now it is up to each of you, if willing, to share your own memories of Paul O'Neal.  I won't say any more on the subject except in my own (very private) memoirs which will never be published anywhere.  Writing this family history is my catharsis of the nightmares that have plagued me for years.